Blame and burnout

I’ve spent decades blaming myself in the most brutal manner. If only I hadn’t pushed so hard when I was first unwell. If only I had rested. If only I had wise medical care to make sure more damage wasn’t done. If only.

Every time I had any delayed fatigue, infection, intolerance reaction or relapse, my old brutal bullying lines were always ready to offer their ever-vehement offering. There was no escaping the fact that I had a major part in the ruination of my health and most of normal life. That is a hard set of things to endure. AND THEN. In the very process of listening to thousands of hours of client sessions, it dawned on me. They were doing the same thing, only in more sophisticated ways.

Then I realised something whilst helping them. We are not the cause of our illnesses. We were not wrong to try to work our way out of it. That is to be respected. We were not wrong to apply ourselves with vigour and enthusiasm. We were not wrong to downplay our suffering and keep going. We were heroic. Where were the medics? Why did my GP repeatedly ask me if I were pregnant or taking drugs ~ repeatedly and unpleasantly?

That’s the thing, bullies, whether real or imagined aren’t heroic. They are only there to attack the hero. I now tell my clients that they are not unreliable, they have an immune and nervous system that is unreliable. Their continued efforts at life are to be admired, never denigrated when there is a huge payback after the smallest exertion.

If I could instil anything into you my friend, it would be to realise that a monumental amount of trouble has landed on top of you and it has nothing to do with your worth, effort or intentions. It is just one of those unfair parts of life that hit us. There is no doubt that in my ignorance I probably made matters worse for myself, but it was that same determination that has kept me trying for the last three decades of life. Determined to reclaim something that was still me, the essential parts of myself that had nothing to do with my ability to run up a hill. I hope my greatest success is not external accolades but that I have worked so hard to stay hopeful and not become embittered by such a battering by the bully of illness.

I tell my clients and myself the more important facts about blame. We are not to blame. We must give ourselves some grace and credit for enduring this unimaginable endurance. We must never berate ourselves, only offer an inner dialogue to ourselves that we would deem others worthy of receiving.

Of course, I wish I had known more in my early days. Of course, I wish that I had wise guidance at the time that might have helped me avoid unnecessary suffering. I wish also that more people had the kind of immense care from their parents and friends that I had given. Endless support, relentless devotion and love beyond measure. I wish most of all, that those things can now be used to loving purpose where lessons are learned with humility, warmth and hope. We need to ditch the blame, guilt, shame and self-destructive thinking and replace those helpless feelings into meaningful facts ~ heroic courage is to be commended. Well done my brave pals.