Reflections on 14 years in the business of LIFEJOY

I’ve spent much of my life worried about two major things: health and income. Because of this, I’ve carried a deep concern that the world is unsafe and that, no matter how hard you try, the precarious nature of these things puts you at great risk.

Most people worry about their health and income only when one or the other is under threat; at least for them, it is not a continuous battle. They may receive medical help to restore their health or find another job, enabling them to return to the well world and book their next holiday. But there is a group of us whose unreliable health has shaped every choice we make, forcing us to navigate our personal and professional journeys in a constant state of uncertainty.

For decades, all I wanted was to live in the well world; worrying about morning traffic, meeting targets, and organising social events. Those concerns felt like wonderfully normal parts of working life. So how do we make sense of all this entirely valid worry? I would suggest that we need to plan and prepare for what life throws at us, while also preparing what we want to throw back at life.

The trouble with ‘worry’ is that it zaps our ability to throw back. It taunts us with the belief that we have little control or choice. But taunting is what bullies do, and I want no part in that. We must recognise that sometimes we bully ourselves with the endless pursuit of answers to life’s “What if?” questions.

Many Life Coaches would suggest reframing that great quandary with the question, “What if it works out wonderfully well?” While this can be a helpful counterpoint to excessive worry, it doesn’t erase the very real possibility that things might not work out well at all.

There have been many times in my life when the crushing realities of illness meant that fear about the level of suffering to be endured was entirely justified. I use the word endured in a polite, middle-class, dignified way; the way that remembers our blessings, maintains manners, and asks how others are doing. Then comes the task of listening with grace and goodwill to other people’s worries about holidays, promotions and decorating choices. Someone once spent an hour telling me that their seventh holiday of the year had fallen below standard. I nearly fell out of my sick bed with astonishment. It became clear that sensitivity was not their strongest virtue, and I learned it was wise to limit my exposure to such experiences. These moments taught me that kindness can exist without tact, and while the kindness is still valid, it sometimes needs careful management.

Over the years, I’ve also been at many bedsides, working hard not to complain about luxury problems and well-world privileges. Now, I listen for my living. I listen, and I think. I strive to be a skilled helper, guiding people to help themselves and find their own solutions with joyful, hopeful encouragement.

After thousands of hours with clients, I’ve come to understand that our shared concerns are what bind us together. Time and again, I have witnessed the tension dissolve from a client’s face when I say that we do have ways to sort through their worries. I can give tangible examples of situations that have stabilised, improved, or even resolved.

One of the greatest miracles of my life is that most clients who find their way to me, thank you for every referral, are dealing with something that I have already experienced. They often begin by saying I might not understand their terminology, and then there is a moment of true connection when I say what they most need to hear: that they are not alone, not powerless, and not hopeless.

When the worry bullies visit me now, I use a mantra I will share freely. I tell myself: I will do my very best. We’ll see where we are in a week. I am good at finding wise help. It will get sorted.

I used to say the words of Julian of Norwich, “All shall be well”, which I still believe and hold as the gold standard of faith. I also encourage clients, with as much bold care as I can muster, to give themselves grace and credit: credit for the enormity of what they have endured and the courage they are showing now.

Every conversation I’ve had with a client over the last 14 years has been rooted in valuing what truly matters in life. When we protect our health and unity, we lay the cornerstones of everything else. Chasing other goals too soon often diminishes our health and damages our most precious relationships. Only when those foundations are solid should we pursue our potential with glorious diligence.

We must identify the values that drive our concerns and manage the resulting feelings and fears with a balanced, measured attitude. Being able to measure our vulnerabilities against our strengths is a powerful asset. Recognising evidence of past success and using it to reassure ourselves in the present is a superpower. Allowing real concerns to meet real capabilities is a sensible path to emotional regulation and a reliable way to keep the bullies at bay.

Today marks the 14th anniversary of starting LIFEJOY. I was unemployable and physically frail, yet I was hopeful. There was chaos in my life, but there was greater love. There was terror in my soul, but my faith was working hard. There were doubters everywhere, and I was probably leading them. And yet, amid the illness, there was persistence, kind help, wise advisers, and faith, hope, and love that it might be possible.

My concerns remain much the same; they are the backbone of my story. But I have managed to earn and to help, and for that I am eternally grateful. Thank you to everyone who has offered a kind word, bought a book, booked a session, or simply taken an interest.

My lovely Mummy, who is now in Heaven, didn’t see any of this, but during a time of thunderous despair, she offered me these words: “If only you could see what I see in you.”

Those words remain the most profound support of my life. I say them to clients now, and they are a joyous blessing to us all. And I would add this, too: “Don’t worry. I will do my very best to help. I believe we can make progress. Let’s start with grace and gusto. Everything you touch you can bless.” Then we can work towards Mother Julian’s words, “All shall be well…”